“Now children grow up watching their parents vanish into screens. Waiting to be chosen. Desperate to be loved. And the unspoken lesson lands all the same: you are not enough to hold my attention.” -Ryan Hennessey
Ryan Hennessey wrote this line in an article titled “Gold Fucking Stars.“ I follow him on Substack and I appreciate his wisdom. He inevitably makes me think and want to ponder further, so here I am writing about the ever-controversial topic of screen time. I’ll talk about my kids first, then us as parents.
In my household, screens aren’t a contentious issue (thankfully). We have created a system that works for us, and we like it. Screens aren’t forbidden, but they’re not a free-for-all, either. The TV is often on in our house, but because we don’t strictly limit it, it becomes background noise and the kids aren’t constantly glued to it. Sometimes it’s on during dinner (open floor plan), but we turn it off if it’s too distracting. And while our three kids fight over who gets to pick the content, it’s rare that they have meltdowns when it’s time to turn it off.
Each of our children (aged 4, 6, & 8) have their own Kindle Fire device. They have access to it on Saturday and Sunday mornings when they wake up, until we parents are up and it’s time for breakfast (best parenting hack imho). Then it goes back in the cabinet until the next weekend. We also allow it on long car rides (like the two-hour drive to the shore) and on airplane trips.
YouTube (including YouTube Kids) is blocked because that seems to be the app that turns them into zombies and has caused tantrums in the past when taken away. There are narcotics in some of that kid-directed content; it needs to be studied. I’m not talking about whale videos and other educational stuff, of course. We sometimes watch those types of videos together.
We feel this is a pretty balanced way to be at the moment. It works for us, but we withhold judgment for families who do it differently.
All that being said, there’s a reason I shared this quote. It struck a chord with me, deeply. Regrettably, my husband and I do not currently regulate our screen time as adults. We do not have a basket where we put phones away for periods of time, and if the kids have already left the table we are each looking at our phones while we finish eating. I am not proud of this, and I know that sometimes that screen time extends to beyond dinner when everyone is relaxing in the family room. We may all be physically together, but much of the time I am zoned out, scrolling, distracted, while they play or watch TV.
We both work full time and this might be the “down time” that we feel we need. However, the kids would probably be really into doing something together. After all, with work and school, we don’t get THAT much time together during the week, and they are at the ages right now where they actually like spending time with us.
We are very fortunate in that our jobs do not overwork us. My whole family of five is home together every day by five pm. My husband and I alternate doing bedtime routines with each child individually, to make sure we each get 1:1 time with them every other night.
But there are precious hours between five and eight pm where our kids could be building memories with us, and I have noticed myself zoning out. It’s a reality for so many parents; we are exhausted! I do get it and I hope, dear readers, that you can have compassion for that. I’d like to blame it at least in part to the season, because it’s cold where we live now and when it’s nicer out we often spend some of this chunk of time outside.
I still feel insanely guilty because I know I can do better. The kids love playing board games, coloring together, having dance parties, or even snuggling on the couch and watching the same thing (ideally with me next to them, NOT on the phone).
Here’s why I care to make a change:
Not only am I inadvertently teaching them, to an extent, that the phone is holding my attention more than they can, but I am teaching them that when they get their own phones someday, they can do the same. I am teaching them, not with words but by example, that it’s fully okay to zone out and not interact with your family members in the same room. This is their childhood. I cannot let this be a core memory of our time together.
Every millennial I know was shh’d frequently by their mom because “I’m on the PHONE!” In my house, that happened a lot, and I didn’t like it when I had something “urgent” I wanted to say or show my parents. And they weren’t on the phone nearly as much as I am.
Now, I’m doing it to my own children, just in a slightly different way.
I want to set boundaries around my phone use in 2026, especially when the kids are around. I can scroll after they’ve gone to bed and on my lunch break at work. I don’t want them seeing me unable to control my addiction to screens, only to turn around and berate them for the same behavior as teens! It’s not fair to any of us. I don’t want to look back as empty-nesters and think, “I wish I hadn’t spent so much damn time on my phone.”
There are many redeeming qualities to technology, and I get a lot out of it sometimes. I read amazing Substack articles from my phone and connect with real people who help me expand my perspectives on important issues. But there’s a lot of wasted time as well, and that’s what I can work on.
I don’t want to teach my kids that they need to seek validation online, that ‘likes’ matter, that views are a metric for success, or that if they’re not constantly connected they’re missing out on something. I want them to be intrinsically motivated, kind, loving, adaptable children. But who is going to teach them– er– model it for them? That’s on me. Well, on us. My husband isn’t as addicted to his phone as I am, but we could both be better.
In short, I am okay with my kids’ screen time as it stands currently, but I’m not okay with mine. My plan will be to update in a few months after attempting to moderate my phone use around my kids. I am sure I will learn a lot whether my initial venture succeeds or fails, and I will share my strategies so I can continue to move in the right direction.
If you’re in a similar phase of life as me and resonate with this, I see you! Thanks for being here.
xo, Amy