I’d say that most of us are smart enough to know that you can’t just get pregnant whenever you want. We get it logically, but when it’s time for us to try, we want it to happen immediately. We spend all these years preventing pregnancy and then when we finally decide we are ready for a baby, it can be a struggle! It’s not fair, and it’s often due to factors of which we are unaware- until we do some digging.
I want to share my fertility experiences to shed light on what I learned through the process. I have three children now, but we struggled with conceiving our first and I know what it feels like to wonder, “Will it be this month? Or never…?”
Baby 1:
My husband and I had it all planned out that we’d get pregnant during the summer of 2015. LOL. I realize now that was naive, but bear with me.
I had gone through a period of orthorexia that went on for several years, which included obsessively counting calories and relying on workouts to “earn” food, alcohol, and sweets. Since then I had been learning about healthy eating, healing my mindset around food, and improving my habits. I went off birth control six months before we wanted to try (I had been on it for eight years), and I researched prenatal vitamins and began taking them immediately.
My cycle regulated quickly after being off the pill, and I just knew we’d get pregnant right away. I was doing everything “right.”
Well, life threw us all a curve ball, big time. My dad was diagnosed with a glioblastoma brain tumor in April 2015. It is an aggressive form of brain cancer with a median life expectancy of 11-14 months. My immediate family– mom, sister, brother and I– all dove into caregiver mode. We were determined to beat this thing.
I continued to eat healthfully even during hospital visits and crazy schedule changes. I knew that if I maintained my own health and nutrition then I’d be better equipped to help the family and my dad. I knew I could be a source of strength in the family and support my mom who was clearly devastated. I really felt like I was doing everything right and still setting myself up for success with fertility. I didn’t want to put our family plans on hold because of this. In fact, it was all the more reason to start trying. If my dad wasn’t going to be around for many more years, I wanted him to at least have the chance to meet my baby.
It turned out that, despite my efforts to keep it all together, my body absorbed the stress and started feeling the consequences. The month we started trying (July 2015) was the first month I lost my cycle. In hindsight, it was a cruel joke nature played on me.
I thought I was pregnant!
I took test after test after test with negative results. I finally went to see my OB who confirmed I wasn’t pregnant and put me on progesterone pills to stimulate my cycle. This “worked” in that I got a period, but it didn’t fix the underlying problem. Therefore, after this period I didn’t get another one for sixty more days. My cycle was all jacked up and it seemed like it was up to me to fix it. After all was said and done, these were the lengths of my cycles (in days) once I started trying to conceive: 45, 60, 75, 39, 34, 30. That adds up to about 9.5 months of trying to get my body back on track.
I read and listened and read some more about fertility. I eventually received a book recommendation from a friend, and this changed the course of my journey. It was called How to Conceive Naturally and Have a Healthy Pregnancy After 30, by Christa Orecchio and Willow Buckley. This book is full of nutrition and supplementation tips, self-assessment techniques, and other strategies to boost fertility. I took the recommendations to heart. I took my temperature dozens of times in attempts to assess ovulation and thyroid function. I purchased yellow maca root and dong quai supplements, I continued to implement a healthy diet, and I ordered bioavailable progesterone cream (it is not recommended by professionals to treat an undiagnosed deficiency in this way, FYI). I started drinking red raspberry leaf tea. You can find the full list of strategies I implemented below; I was willing to try anything.
My goal was to rebalance my hormones so that my body would regulate a cycle again. I needed to teach my body that it could be a hospitable environment for pregnancy. Our bodies are so smart and intuitive, and in times of stress they recognize that they might not be the best vessel to maintain a new life.
Fertility health is sacrificed by our bodies in times of extreme stress.
The nutrients meant to balance fertility hormones are recruited to manage other body functions instead– the ones meant to help you survive. Literally, your body steals progesterone which helps regulate your cycle and uses it to make the stress hormone cortisol. Therefore, the lack of available progesterone left over prevents your body from recognizing its time to shed the uterine lining and you stop getting a period. No cycle, no pregnancy.
Things I tried in order to regulate my cycle and boost my fertility:
- healthy diet of mostly gluten-free foods
- reduced sugar intake for hormone regulation
- red raspberry leaf tea
- yellow maca root capsules for hormone regulation
- dong quai tincture for reproductive health
- prenatal vitamins to ensure I was building up nutrient supplies for baby
- fermented cod liver oil to promote healthy cell membrane growth
- bone broth for gut healing, digestive support, immune support
- apple cider vinegar concoction (ACV, ginger, turmeric, honey, and water) for gut health
- vitamin C for boosted progesterone levels
- vitamin B6 for sex hormone balance (boost progesterone, control estrogen)
- bioavailable progesterone cream for hormone rebalance/supplementation
- pH testing of my saliva and urine via strips to gauge alkalinity vs acidity of my body
- exercise via walking mostly for heart health and stress reduction
- Appointments with OB/GYN and PCP to report and discuss issues, get bloodwork, etc.
- Ovulation tracking (via strips purchased in bulk through Amazon)
- stress management/self care (see ideas below)
- social support– leaning on friends
- relationship support– remaining open with my husband, actively trying to put less pressure on trying to conceive and more focus on love and understanding.
- Got rid of my FitBit (potential EMF impact– a little conspiracy-adjacent but felt relevant; a topic for another day if people are interested).
The things I was trying must have been working, because my cycle was slowly getting back to normal. Of course it’s hard to know what had the greatest impact, but it was likely a combination of healthy intake of food and supplements as well as stress management. The first month that my cycle was within the “normal” range of 28-32 days was the month we conceived.
What does a healthy diet for fertility entail? Well, according to How to Conceive Naturally, it is recommended that we detoxify the body of things that can potentially impact fertility and then to support healthy hormone balance through a whole-foods omnivore approach.
Strict reduction or elimination of caffeine, sugar, alcohol, soy, gluten, and exposure to toxic household products is recommended. Addition of grass-fed and pastured meats, eggs, and raw dairy are vital. Bone broth and plenty of green vegetables and healthy fats will further support immune function and hormone balance and will crowd out the unhealthy stuff. If you’re focusing on these foods, you’re not eating the processed junk that lead to imbalances in the first place.
I really can’t emphasize stress management enough. We all know someone who tried to get pregnant for so long that they resorted to IVF or adoption for their first child, only to conceive naturally after that while not really “trying.” I have to believe that stress played a big part in those scenarios. Not in the “a watched pot never boils” superstitious kind of way, but in the scientifically-proven-stress-related-hormonal-changes kind of way. Sometimes I think the hardest part of stress management is this pressure that we feel to reduce or eliminate our stress in the first place. Last time I checked, you can’t just quit your job, ignore a sick family member, or not pay your mortgage bill. Many people don’t want to just take a break from trying to conceive to see if it “just happens.” That’s not how it works.
I was finally able to tackle the overwhelming topic of stress when I realized I didn’t have to eliminate the stressors, but rather manage my reaction to them and to build up my defenses against letting them take me down.
My stress began when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my family dove head-first into helping him fight and caring for him. It was exacerbated when I began to struggle with fertility. Below are the ways I attempted to MANAGE– not reduce– my stress:
- Meditation (I wasn’t great at keeping up with this).
- Coloring (can be a form of meditation. Busy your hands, calm your mind).
- Baths with epsom salts and lavender essential oil.
- Listening to podcasts (about fertility, nutrition, and other unrelated topics).
- Listening to music
- Driving in silence
- Focus on getting 7+ hours of sleep per night
- Journaling
- Watching uplifting or funny television
- Meeting up with friends to go for walks
- Walks by myself
- Meeting with an actual counselor (this was helpful and I wish I would have kept up with it; I only had two sessions).
- Talking to friends
- “Time-outs”– periods of time (for me it was weekends) where I actively chose to physically and mentally separate myself from the current stressful situation for self preservation.
- Reading hopeful and informative books about cancer (this was about dealing with my grief head-on as well as obtaining the peace of mind that comes with knowing you’re taking a proactive stance to help your sick family member. I would have done this regardless of the diagnosis. As a Questioner, it makes me feel better to inform myself).
I didn’t do each of these things daily, by any means. But I tried them all. If I had to nail down the most effective ones at helping me recharge and feel in better control of my emotions, they were “driving in silence” and “time-outs.“ I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the power of sufficient sleep as well. I am fortunate to not have chronic sleep issues.
Driving in silence on my forty-five minute commutes allowed me to be alone with my thoughts. I didn’t do it every day, but I would recognize when I needed it because I’d be listening to a podcast and completely zone out. I wouldn’t even remember the last few minutes of the drive and wonder how I got to that point on my route; I was on autopilot. Fairly consistently, I felt better after driving in silence. Sometimes it just felt good to be in quiet, but at others I’d use the time to talk through my feelings with myself out loud.
“Time-outs” were my weekends spent at home or with friends, away from my caregiving duties. My dad resided at the skilled nursing and rehab facility where I was working at the time. As much as I love my family, I needed time away in order to recharge and prepare for another week of working and caring for my dad at the same time. After several months, I stopped checking in to see how things were going on the weekends. Every time I did check in, the negative energy I was left with afterwards stuck with me for hours. He was sick with a terminal illness that debilitated him, so there wasn’t a ton of positivity to report. There was enough doom and gloom to go around, and I had to stop attracting it during my “off” time.
I had to remind myself that we delegated these days for a reason. Once I stopped, I was better able to achieve my goals for the weekends and I started each week with a positive energy to bring into Dad’s room. I think this was a valuable asset to him; he was always happy to see me. If it is at all possible to get a break from the main source of your stress, please take advantage of it and use it to recharge yourself. I know that this was nearly impossible for my mom, and it is like that for many others in caregiving situations.
A note on journaling: this can encompass any creative writing, including blogs. Writing as a way of self-expression has always been incredibly healing for me. From my long distance relationship, to friend and family quarrels, to my dad’s illness, there are a lot of heated topics within the spines of the many books I have filled over the years. Any time I have felt that I couldn’t shake off negative feelings, I found it helpful to write them down. Sometimes I learned things about myself that I didn’t realize prior, and sometimes it helped me to release the hurt in a tangible way and develop strategies to move forward productively. It even helps to read what I’ve written after the fact.
Bioavailable progesterone cream– I feel the need to explain myself on this one. My mom was diagnosed as having low progesterone during her second pregnancy, which caused her to have a miscarriage. Therefore, during her third pregnancy (with my brother) she was taking it supplementally. She was told that she wouldn’t be able to conceive again without it. Well, that was incorrect because she got pregnant with me, but then she was put back on it as a precaution to prevent miscarriage. So when I began to have difficulties with conceiving and had read about the link between low progesterone and stress, I went out on a limb and diagnosed myself with the same problem (I know, I’m not a doctor). I bought bioavailable progesterone cream on Amazon from a reputable source and began using it in the second half of my cycle. I would pump it directly on to the inside of my forearms (intentionally not touching it with my hands) and rub it in to the insides of my thighs as instructed. Once I got pregnant, I continued to use it until week twenty of pregnancy when the placenta is supposedly fully formed.
I will never know if progesterone cream made an impact for me, because despite my condition improving I was trying so many things that it’s hard to pinpoint the “winner”. At the time I truly felt like I was doing something for myself that my doctors wouldn’t or couldn’t do.
In hindsight, prescribing myself medication was unwise.
It didn’t seem to do me harm, but I read later that supplementing yourself with progesterone doesn’t necessarily mean it will be utilized for what you want it to. It could be adding more fuel to the cortisol fire and could exacerbate the problem. I was afraid that telling a doctor I was doing this would get me reprimanded, but in hindsight I don’t recommend medicating yourself without consulting a physician. I should have taken myself to a holistic practitioner or functional medicine doctor if I didn’t trust the allopathic doctors. The thing is, I do trust them in general, but I wasn’t getting the help I needed at the time and my desperation led to hasty decision-making.
In the end, I was able to overcome the issues that caused my fertility struggles and I got pregnant after about ten months of trying. I really do feel like I healed myself. In hindsight, ten months was not long and I empathize greatly with those who struggle far longer than me. I went on to have a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy, with the exception of losing my beloved Dad when I was five months along.
Baby 2:
Lucky for me (and you, dear readers), this story is much shorter.
I started tracking my ovulation six months ahead of planning to try to conceive this time. I wanted to know which days I was the most fertile and I wanted to take out the guesswork by knowing my cycle and any fluctuations it had during that time. I started taking prenatal vitamins again to build up nutrient stores. I should also note that I never went back on birth control after my daughter was born. In fact, I never went on it again.
The first month that we tried for our second baby appeared to be successful; I got an extremely faint line on a pregnancy test. I knew that even the faintest of lines was a positive result, but for some reason I wanted to temper my expectations. I told my husband and two best friends that it was “inconclusive.” Over the next few days the line got no darker, and one test even came back negative with no line in sight. Just when I was giving up hope, I got a darker line. And I got my period that day, a few days late.
It appears I had a chemical pregnancy. In this scenario, the sperm fertilizes the egg and the hormone HCG is released for a short period, but the embryo is not viable and never implants into the uterine wall. It is technically a miscarriage, but I did and do not think of it as such for myself. Yes, I thought I was possibly pregnant for three days, and it sucked when I realized I wasn’t. But for my own mental health I chose to not label it as a miscarriage. Women go through far, far worse than the glimmer of hope that I had lost. In any case, to each her own regarding how she deals with this.
The second month of trying was unsuccessful. It happens. We moved on.
The third time was the charm! After going through months of mental anguish with getting pregnant the first time around, I am eternally grateful that this time was so much easier. Despite having a toddler, I had fewer life stressors to deal with which seems to have made all the difference. I also learned from past mistakes and was able to set myself up for success with a healthy diet and supplementation plan, ovulation testing, and strategic timing.
I had another uneventful pregnancy and another healthy baby girl.
Baby 3:
We had plans to start trying when my second was eighteen months old, per recommendations I’d read that the body needs that amount of time to replenish nutrient stores for an optimal pregnancy. Well, when number two was sixteen months old I noticed my cycle was irregular again. I dreaded the process of tracking, trying, and testing; it’s draining in body and soul, I tell ya.
Well, we are the lucky ducks who came upon a welcome pregnancy by accident this time around. It turns out, I was already pregnant and I found out on Election Day, 2020. I felt off, my cycle was off, and I wanted to know if I could stress-drink during election coverage. Turns out I couldn’t, and I experienced every moment of that wait (remember, we didn’t find out the results that night) fully sober. I joke, but I’ll never forget how that timeline factored into my memories of finding out about my last baby.
In any case, we were beyond thrilled. Not only was I pregnant with the baby who would complete our family, but we didn’t have to go through the grueling process of trying to conceive (shortened to TTC for those who know all too well).
I give full permission for anyone in the fertility trenches to resent me for the ease in which I conceived number three, two, and even one in comparison to many out there. I wouldn’t wish fertility struggles on my worst enemy, so long as they’re not an actual evil person. It’s one of the most unjust afflictions out there, in my opinion. It’s all-consuming. It’s a rut that feels impossible to dig yourself out of, and all the while people are giving you flippant advice like, “Try not thinking about it!” and “When you stop trying, it’ll happen.”
OOF. Maybe it’s a topic for another day, but please don’t do that to people. Assume they’ve tried everything. Assume they’re intelligent and capable and have spent way more time troubleshooting this than you have for them. Assume it’s none of your beeswax, because it isn’t. Some people like to talk about it. It’s vulnerable, it’s generous, and it’s part of how they’ve chosen to cope. But it’s not universal. Many choose privacy, and that is valid and honorable as well.
I wanted to share my stories because I believe stories got me through my struggles, and honestly have gotten me through every single tough thing I’ve experienced. Hearing how others have handled things teaches you about yourself, confirming where you stand and guiding your decisions moving forward either way.
I wish abundant fertility for those who want it, and for a fabulous kid-free life for those that don’t– complete with “Best Auntie” status, of course.
If my stories brought a shred of validation or a glimmer of hope to anyone out there, this will have been worth it. I would love to hear from you in the comments.
xo, Amy
